endings, beginnings, and conscious action.

Today has been a whirlwind of emotion.  From frustration, to anger, to sadness, to hope.   As is my practice, I've been trying to watch the emotions rise and fall and try to understand what aspect of my ego is attaching to how I am feeling in any given moment.  I'm embracing, but also practicing svadhyaya (self study) as the emotions move through me.

I've just returned home from the year end liturgy at the school.   Our children have been attending St. Timothy school in Regina for the past 5 years.   We found this gem of a school in our community after a tumultuous grade 1 experience bussing our eldest to a French immersion school.   From the moment we first walked in the school, I knew it was a place where my children would be loved and nurtured.

We are not a Christian family, but we are spiritual and have encouraged our children to explore a sense of connection to something greater than themselves through the practice of Christianity.   The school has nurtured and encouraged my children to be compassionate, kind, loving, honest, and faithful and I've enjoyed the community in which they have grown, made friends, and have found mentors in some pretty special adults.

We are leaving the school this year, moving on to a new school.  A new adventure.   We are excited about the change, but also sad about leaving such a wonderful community.   I didn't realize just how sad I was feeling until I spent the last hour trying to fight back tears.

Father J.B. spoke to the children about reflecting the love of Jesus.  Conscious action.  He was dropping some real truth bombs about acting with love, and moving through the world with kindness.  Not expecting anything in return - selfless service.   He spoke about the "peace" of the world being fabricated in that it's often thought of as "I will do something for you, and then in return you will do something for me" and he said that is not real peace.  Real peace is reflecting love not expecting anything in return.

A good message.   I left the house feeling angry this morning.  Angry about what I feel is unconscious action.   Every day I go to work downtown and there are men asking for money on the street.  Sometimes I give money, sometimes I don't.   I felt angry after learning that our city is holding a perogy eating contest tonight as part of a celebration of community.    I wondered how it must feel to spend your days begging for money, or sleeping in the park and then to walk by an event with local "celebrities" eating as much as they possibly can in as little time as they can.    I was angry about this.  Angry at the city, angry at the participants, and angry at the whole idea.   When I ask myself why I feel so angry about this, my heart tells me that I'm upset about unconscious action.  About participation in a culture that devalues the lives of others so that we may be entertained by gluttony and excess.

I am not blameless and this is why I feel mad.  I've watched a parks employee kick a homeless man to wake him up so that I could teach a yoga class in the park.    My heart felt like that was wrong, but I watched and didn't say anything.  I participate in excessive eating, and enjoy the privileges that having money provide me on a regular basis.   I act unconsciously too - or I'm too afraid, at times, to act consciously.  Or I'd rather reap the benefit of the privileges I enjoy as a middle class Canadian.

The upset about this event continued as I walked to the school this morning, and past a young woman spraying chemicals on a lawn of a community housing project that is home to numerous children.   She was protected with clothing to prevent toxic poisoning from what she was spraying.  She didn't stop her spray as I walked by, and I felt sad knowing that children would be playing on that grass later in the day.    My thought was, "She doesn't realize what she is doing, this is just how things are done".  And, it's not going to change.   Eating contests will continue on.   Homeless kids will still be kicked out of public spaces because they are unsightly and create the wrong perception.    

At the school, the kids passed along advice from one grade to the next.   The grade 4's passed along a New Testament bible to the grade 3 kids and their advice was to "act consciously".   And I smiled and felt hopeful.

We probably can't change the way things work.  The problems are endemic and deeply rooted in to our culture of excess.  But, the one thing we can do as individuals is reflect love.   We can be mindful of our actions and be aware when we act with love, and also be aware when we act in a way that does not reflect love.   We can CHOOSE to act differently, or we can participate.   We won't always be perfect, but I think even just being mindfully aware of when we are acting in a way that is not a reflection of love has got to be better than unconscious participation.   Who is this serving?  Who is this hurting?  Am I okay with this?

Much love.