I want to start this post off by stating a few very important things. First, Evie, who I know mostly from the internet is a pretty freaking rad human being. I have the utmost respect for her, and her bravery. After all, it is this kind of bravery that invites dialogue, and perhaps resulting in understanding and growth or change.
I'm a feminist. A radical feminist. Since day 1.
I also disagree with Evie.
I've watched the Ragged Ass Barber story unfold since the original phone call Evie made to book an appointment for a haircut. My original comment on her thread was in support of the barbershop, but that the guy she was talking to was clearly an idiot. His comment that, "if I allow lesbians to get their hair here, then their girlfriends with long hair will want to get their hair cut, where will it end" struck me as the hyperbolic "the gays are taking over the world" type argument we've all heard before.
From a customer service standpoint, this guy is an idiot! There are several ways he could have communicated his intent without polarizing the argument. Maybe just a simple, "Yes, of course you can book a hair cut, but I would like to let you know that my intent with this business is to service men only, and to maintain a male only environment - do you feel comfortable with this?" Law not broken, choice is placed in the hands of the customer, point made about the business. Maybe Evie would have booked, maybe not.
But, the conversation was clearly reduced to a "this place is for men only, women are not allowed". Which of course, is discriminatory.
I think there is a need for legislation on these kinds of matters. When a portion of any given society is traditionally disadvantaged for any reason, there needs to be measures in place to protect these people. There are very real human rights violations that must be addressed with legislation.
If I'm being totally honest here. In danger of losing my membership to the feminist club. Being denied a haircut by a private business that would prefer to service a male client base is not a human rights violation. It is discrimination, yes. It is also a great place to start a dialogue about sexuality, politics, gender, and the all too troublesome ego.
And so the argument goes that since there are women only gyms, defining a barbershop as a men only space is pretty much the same deal. That's simplifying a pretty complex issue. I don't think that the women's salon has ever been a space of intimidation or even harassment for men. So much so that they need to have a men only space to get their haircuts in. However; I have had the experience of working out in both types of gyms, and I think the comfort level and the open supportive environment of a women's only gym is extremely valuable.
If a man were to walk into one of the classes at a women's only gym, or in fact, in any gathering of women - the energy would change. This, for me, is the crux of the argument.
Women's only & Men's only spaces - a simple concept, and something that I feel is vital to our growth & expression as sexual beings. I am going to quantify that when I talk about masculinity and femininity going forward in this conversation - I do not mean specifically the "male" and "female" sex because there are women who are more masculine identified and men who are more feminine.
There is a quality to our sexual essence, a certain energy. I've talked often in this blog about David Deida's work and I think bringing his description of the masculine and feminine dynamic into this argument can be helpful in explaining my viewpoint.
According to Deida, the masculine is consciousness and the feminine is everything else. The masculine is still, the feminine is fluid. We all have elements of both, and can generally flow quite well between our masculine and feminine qualities. Deida suggests that a spiritual sexual practice is the meeting of those two energies.
Deida speaks of the masculine and feminine in "stages'. Stage 1 masculinity being the controlling 1950's macho man, and femininity is the submissive housewife. Stage 2 masculinity and feminity is a balance, with men and women having well cultivated masculine and feminine sides. It is in this "fair" and "balanced" approach to sexuality that we begin to see men and women having equal access to everything - from belly dancing, to boardrooms, and well, haircuts. And, Deida is always clear to say that we MUST travel through stage 2 in order to move on to stage 3.
Stage 3 is a practice where we cultivate HEALTHY masculinity and femininity. We flow with skill through both as needed and then when we meet for intimacy we can meet as spiritual sexual beings fully in our masculine or feminine. It is this polarity that creates spiritual intimacy. A sense of one-ness (see how this fits into the yoga blog now?)
I see women's only and men's only spaces as places where we can begin to cultivate healthy forms of sexuality. The women's gym I went to has empowering language plastered to the walls, there is an atmosphere of being fully expressive, strong, and powerful - as a woman! Another space in which I experienced this type of strong feminine energy was at a pole dancing class. A women's only space to explore and feel into wild feminine sexual energy.
Now - back to the men walking into the women's only gym. Had a guy walked into the class while we did our kick ass knee push ups, or whatever - the energy would have changed. Had a man walked into the pole dancing class, suddenly something empowering becomes something that feels objectified. We know this, and I'm certain we have felt this. There are a thousand different reasons why - deep patterning, ego, the felt sense of polarity between the masculine and the feminine. Whatever. Women act differently when there are men around. Men act differently when there are women around.
I can't say that every woman in that gym identifies more with her feminine essence, or every man in the barbershop with his masculine. In fact, this might be where my argument falls apart slightly. Perhaps, public spaces can't be men or women only spaces because humans are far more complex than that.
But, what I can speak to is the intuitive sense of the owner of Ragged Ass Barbers has in creating a space that services men, that allows men to gather in a pretty harmless way. I mean, they probably aren't sitting around objectifying and disrespecting women while they get their haircuts, actually, I suspect they are probably creating beautiful harmonies together. This gathering could potentially be a place to begin cultivating healthy masculine energy.
We tend to ignore the human element in these arguments. We have seen this often in the backlash Evie has received. Some may say she brought this on herself, but her bravery in speaking up for what she feels is right certainly shouldn't have resulted in the need to hide her online identity, or to put on a disguise when she leaves her house. The hateful reactions Evie is receiving shows a deep level of unconsciousness when it comes to sexuality, and sexual politics. I'm guessing there is a deep intuitive sense hidden within these people, that communion in groups of men is an important part of cultivating healthy masculine identity. The problem is that our culture has fucked up what it means to be a masculine. Instead, we end up with sick stage 1 macho culture that breeds misogyny. And so, masculine people don't know how to respond intelligently to these situations.
They say stuff like, "no women allowed, and I don't want to cut your lesbian girlfriend's long hair next, so you can't come here". Instead of expressing, as a human being, to another human being that these spaces where men and women can go and be in the company of people who are the same gender are important to our development as healthy sexual beings. And perhaps understanding that just because the law says we have a right to equality in all public establishments, it doesn't mean that we need to make that happen. Perhaps, taking this argument down to its human elements. Leaving out the ego that clings to our spaces, to our rights to be in any space we choose to and instead feel with our heart that not every space is for us. That, as humans we can lovingly choose to accept that sometimes we aren't wanted somewhere that we would like to go. And that perhaps, we could kindly choose to go elsewhere.
Additionally, if we feel very strongly that we would like to keep our spaces a particular way - accepting that now and again, we are going to be challenged on that idea. And, when we are, we should probably respond with equal kindness and understanding recognizing that what we think isn't always what is and so erring on the side of compassion is probably our best choice.
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