Cracking Open

Over the past few months I have been committed to a daily asana practice, and have recently added  meditation into the mix.   Sometimes my practice consists of a few handstands while folding laundry, other times I lay over a bolster, and other times I practice vinyasa and other times I simply just sit.  What I tend to avoid in my practice at home are the postures that give me trouble.  The postures that make me hurt, or that are challenging physically or emotionally.   I usually stick to the stuff I like.

This morning as I was meditating and I happened to be looking at a chair (I meditate mostly with my eyes open as a practice of being grounded in the moment directly in front of me), and the thought popped up (as they often do when I sit still) that I should attempt a back bend over the chair today.

So, I went about my practice avoiding the chair until I couldn't avoid it any longer.  I finally decided to place a blanket on my chair, and lay back.   This is a posture I hate.   It makes me want to puke, and I would rather do anything than lay back over the chair and have the edge of the seat take residence just underneath my heart.   In class, I often bail out and avoid the chances of potentially bursting into uncontrollable sobbing, or vomiting.

So - I laid back.   5 breaths.

Then overwhelmed with emotion, and nausea.  I got up.

I moved along to shoulder stand (another posture I dislike, but it felt like a breeze compared with the chair back bend).   Then laid myself over a bolster to reflect and rest.

My conclusion:  It's time to crack open

Am I dealing with just my own karma here, or many lifetimes of karma?  When I asked my teacher about this, she said "deal with this lifetime, it's the one you know".   Indeed, it is.   And for whatever reason, I'm holding on.   Letting go of control particularly control of my emotions is a big thing.   So much so, that I'm protected by a big fear of mine - vomiting.  I open my heart, I want to puke.

But, this isn't the first time I've encountered this.  Back when I first began practising yoga, I ran into a similar issue.   I was just starting to open up to practice - creating a relationship with my body and breath and connecting to myself in a new way.   At this time, every single yoga class was met with overwhelming nausea.  I made some changes to cope - attending class on an empty stomach and giving up coffee.    Thankfully, the nausea subsided but my willingness to keep getting back on the mat to do the "work" that was before me was waning.

It was at this time that I took a break from yoga.   I found many excuses to not attend class - and as a result was able to avoid the work I needed to do to take my practice to the next level.

It was a good six months before I returned to the mat.  Summer of 2010, I got myself an unlimited summer pass and got back on the mat.   By winter of that year, I was applying for teacher training.   I began teacher training in January 2011.   During teacher training, I was locked into growing my practice and for the 16 months of teacher training I can say that yoga began to create genuine shifts and growth.   My body began to open up, I began to face fears on the mat and fears in my life.  I transformed from a shy introvert into an open, confident teacher.

Of course, I hadn't reached enlightenment or anything - I simply began to create an intimate relationship with yoga practice.

Today, I recognized that there is more to crack open.   I know it is worth every bit of pain, every amount of work, every moment of dedication I give to it.   As I approach my 40th birthday this week, I am seeing how I can begin to face some monumental fears of being truly open and vulnerable, in order to open to the world and in particular to those who are closest to me.

Yoga is a pretty incredible thing.   A powerful tool to create the life you desire.   A powerful tool to find stillness and to connect to something that feels infinite in possibility.   I'm filled with gratitude to have this tool in my life and in particular I am grateful to be able to share this every day with students in my classes.

I often see students reach that often scary moment where their practice is starting to reach inside them looking to create real growth.   Suddenly, their schedules become busier and they are unable to find a way to get themselves into class with the same amount of regularity.  Some stop coming to class all together.   You may even recognize this in yourself.

Yoga gives you the ability to begin looking at yourself honestly.   In that ability, you begin to recognize the importance of living authentically.   From my perspective, if I am to to live with this awareness, I know I need to keep working.   My path in yoga may not have a defined end goal, but it certainly has pit stops and many opportunities for awakening and growth along the way.   If you have found yourself in a pit stop recently,  and you've stopped coming to class,  I encourage you to make your way back to the mat again.  Make the time to dedicate toward growth.  Crack open.  As hard as the shell might seem to be,  the world needs the vulnerability and authenticity that will begin to seep through the cracks.